Yesterday I set out to run a little LSD (Long Slow Distance). My original thought was that I should run 6 or 7 miles just like the high school cross country track days. In the end it turns out that 15 miles was going to be the distance.
My running course is straight out and straight back so I always know the half way point. When I got to the 3.5 mile mark I thought “it’s a beautiful day, I feel good, I’ll just go another mile.” Every half mile I ran I would feel like I should go a little farther. It wasn’t until I got to the 7.5 mile mark that I felt like I should start heading back. You can check out the run on RunKeeper or follow my runs on twitter as @SenchaFit.
I use my runs as a way to visualize and meditate since I struggle with them while being still. The first 7.5 miles I was holding in my mind all the times I was attacked emotionally, physically, verbally, etc. by someone and I didn’t tell them how it made me feel. I then held in my mind all the times I could think of where I attacked others.
I made it to mile marker eight and just then my music stopped playing as I started my ascent up the steepest hill in the course. Each of the things that I had been holding in mind were flashing quickly as if a strobe light in my brain. As they finished I saw (in my head) nothing but white emptiness. At that moment I took responsibility for not saying how it made me feel when I was attacked. I also took responsibility for all the times that I attacked someone else. In that moment I truly knew that it was nobody else’s fault. It was not a circumstance’s fault. It was my responsibility.
This all happened just within a second or two. After I took responsibility I felt an icy cold shiver run through my body as if it travelled every nerve. From this chill I got a sudden burst of energy and pushed up the hill as if it were flat. By the time I had gotten to the top the music was playing again, picking up where it left off. By whatever awesomeness the next song that came on was the the Rocky Theme Song. I chuckled as I made my way back home.
I realize now how much I have hidden behind falseness. I blamed so many other things for the way my life was. It was always a slew of “this situation made fat” or “this person made this way,” when in reality it was my choice all along. Knowing this as I go further will help me truly see the good in people as I finally see it in myself.
For all those that have attacked me in the past, I don’t blame you. For all those I have attacked in the past, I am truly sorry and I will be much more conscious from now on.